FAMILY GUY: A, B and Cs
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Stewie learns to read. A mistake on the womans part! Chris finds yet another weird thing to do and other character stories.
1. Default Chapter

Chris walks in through the front door carrying mail.  
"Dad, mail's here"  
"All right!" Peter leaps up from the couch to get it from Chris. Louise walks in.  
"All right, 50,000 dollars!" says Peter.  
Louise takes the letter and replies, "Peter, it's a credit card. It just shows how much you can get"  
"Good, cause I don't know if I'd feel safe carrying all that money."

Stewie is playing with some toys on the floor in front of the couch. He has a fire truck and some firemen action figures. The figures are assembled in a small pile and some plastic fire shaped accessories with fire colored stickers on them surround the figures.  
"Oh yes, that's right - burn. We'll see how long those safety suits last you. Can you feel the burning cinders on your skin, I say, where's the fire now Chief!" and he starts to run over the figures with the truck back and forth.  
"Stewie, honey, you got a surprise in the mail," she picks him up.  
"Blast! Unhand me you wench"  
She sits on the couch and places Stewie next to her. She opens a small box.  
"What do you have there?" Stewie demands.  
"Patience," she replies.  
"I didn't know they packaged that"  
She holds up the book, "See, mommy got you Hooked On Phonics"  
"So that's what you've been putting in my food! What is it? Some new street form of LSD"  
"Daddy and I are going to teach you to read. Aren't we honey"  
"In-between McGyver and beers," answers Peter.  
"Peter!" she calls out.  
"What? You're the one who wanted more honesty"  
"Read you say? Ha! You have betrayed yourself woman! I shall use this new found knowledge to my advantage!" he grabs the book and holds it against his chest.  
"See Peter, he loves it"  
Stewie looks through the book, "A, B, C huh? This looks rather simple. I don't know why I've never tried it before."

Megan walks into the kitchen. Brian is sitting at the table drinking a martini with an olive and is reading the New York Times lying flat on the tabletop.  
Meg gets a glass from a cabinet and opens the fridge. She pours a drink and walks over to Brian.  
"Isn't it a little early to be drinking?" she asks.  
"Not in dog time"  
"I know about dog years, but dog time? How does that work?" she asks.  
"Rather smoothly if we don't get into the particulars"  
She looks at him.  
"Ah, I know. The lie just wasn't worth the effort I'd have to put in," says Brian.  
Before she leaves she turns around and asks, "Brian, have you seen my windbreaker? The blue one with the words on the back"  
"No ... can't say I have"  
"Well, thanks. Let me know if you do," says Megan.  
"I will do that." She exits the kitchen. He takes a sip of the martini and puts his free hand on his head, "Oh lord Brian, why?" 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Later that day. Brian is in the backyard. He digs up Meg's windbreaker. It is all chewed up.  
"I just can't ... help myself," he hears a noise and turns around, "Peter! What are you doing there"  
Peter is lying in a hammock drinking a lemonade.  
"Hiding from Lois. She wants me to teach Stewie to read and I don't want to do it"  
"I'm surprised I didn't hear you coming. Especially since there's so much of you"  
"That's me. Silent, but deadly. Like a ninja of the night," says Peter.  
"A big fat ninja," comments Brian.  
"Hey, I resent that. There were fat ninjas"  
"Name one"  
"Chris Farley, in that movie. What's it called? The one with David Spade"  
"They're all with David Spade," replies Brian.  
"Not Dirty Work," rebukes Peter.  
Brian tosses the windbreaker back into the hole and starts burying it.  
"Now if only you had such vast useful knowledge," Brian comments.  
"So what'cah doing over there?" asks Peter.  
"Oh me? Nothing. Just, burying an old bone"  
"Burying an old bone huh"  
"For the love of god Peter, no wiener jokes."

"Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X-Y and Z. Now I know my A, B, Cs woman! You shall all bow down on your knees"  
"Very good Stewie. See how fun that was?" says Lois.  
"Oh yes, making sounds with my mouth was a real dashing riot. Now let's see you jammer at my behest!" he demands.  
"That's enough for today sweetie. You sit here and play while I make you lunch," she walks into the kitchen.  
Stewie picks up the book.

Meg enters the kitchen.  
"Mom, have you seen my blue windbreaker? I don't know where it is"  
"I remember washing it the other day. I hung it on the cloths line to dry ... you sure you didn't just misplace it in your room"  
"I already checked there three times. Thanks anyway," replies Meg.  
"You're welcome honey"  
Peter walks in through the back door.  
"Hey Lois"  
"Peter honey, what'cha doing?" she asks.  
He puts a hotdog in the microwave and presses start.  
"Nuking me a wiener"  
"No silly, I meant outside"  
"Oh, just hanging back and relaxing"  
"Honey, have you seen Meg's windbreaker"  
"What? The blue one with the yellow letters? No," he replies coyly.

"Blast it!" they hear Stewie call from the living room.

"Oh Peter, could you go help Stewie? I got my hands full"  
"Oh geez ... sure thing sweetheart," he covers his hot-dog in ketchup and mustard and grabs his lemonade on the way out after having plopped a few ice cubes in it.  
Stewie tosses the book away.  
"Confound you! You paper ridden abomination!" Stewie shouts out.  
Peter picks it up.  
"I say, you! Fat man, I demand you pick that thing up and read it to me"  
"Ah, Stewie don't give up. The Griffins aren't quitters. You'll get it. It'll just take some time," he sits on the couch.  
Stewie eyes him wickedly, "Well! I don't have all day. Soon I'll be forced to take a nap"  
"Agh ... you want me to read this, don't you"  
"No, actually, I was hoping you could cut it open, stuff and bake it. Of course I want you to read it"  
Peter sets his glass aside and examines the book.  
"What is this? The Itsy Bitsy Spider. Well, here we go ... The Itsy Bitsy Spider," he turns the page, "all rights reserved. No part of this book ... wait - silly me. Now, here we go ... The Itsy Bitsy Spider crawled up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Geez, how long is this going to take? The ice cues are already starting to melt"  
"Crawled up the water spout? Clever chap. The rain is a metaphor I believe, for the harsh realities of life. Hmmm ... I shall require more time to ponder this. Be gone I say"  
"Thank goodness. You have fun," and Peter goes back outside.

"Now how exactly did this Itsy Bitsy Spider make his way up a long dark and dank wet tube? Seems there is more to be learned from this character. This shall require further reading," he opens the book and starts sounding the letters out.  
Brian walks in and sits on the couch. He turns the television on with the remote.  
"Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Can't you see I'm trying to study here!" Stewie blasts Brian.  
"Relax there Pinky. Gosh you're wound up awfully tight for a one year old. You could use a drink"  
"I am trying to read mangy mongrel"  
Brian listens to Stewie sound out the letters.  
"You might want to heavily emphasize 'try"  
"Oh, aren't you so posh for a family member who takes a dump in the sand"  
"At least I can spell sand," retorts Brian.  
"That was an ipsedixit remark, I can too! Let me see ... C"  
Brian makes a buzzer noise with his mouth followed by, "wrong"  
"Now hold on. That was just a warm up. Sand ... I suppose that's an "S". Sound it out ... S ... E, S"  
"Nope"  
"Blast!"

Peter lays down on the hammock and drinks his lemonade. He puts the hot-dog, which is on a paper plate, on his stomach.  
A bee starts buzzing around his head.  
"Oh, darnit. shoo!" it still buzzes, "No! Go away. Stop it! Stop it!" he uses his right hand to swipe at the bee quickly and without realizing it, tosses the hot-dog through the air. Suddenly his lemonade spills.  
"Drat. Look at me, I'm all wet! They'll think I've wet my pants again," he gets up. The bee is gone. "Well, that takes care of that. Guess I showed him who's the boss"  
He looks straight ahead in horror. The ketchup and mustard covered hot-dog had smacked into and smeared another one of Meg's sweaters.  
"Uh oh ... just calm down Peter," he tucks the sweater down his pants.

Brian refills his martini glass. He caps the bottle and puts it away. Just as he is about to leave the kitchen, Peter walks in. He had put the shirt over his crotch and now has a big bulge.  
"Peter! Oh my..." Lois stops the dish washing.  
"Sweet lord!" says Brian. Peter walks out with a smile. "I have got to cut back on these"

Peter goes to the bathroom and closes and locks the door. He takes out the sweater and starts washing it in the sink. Finally after several minutes he gives up.  
"It's no good. Boy, I really wish I had some of that Oxi-Clean. That Orange Glow is not too bad either. And the Kaboom is fantastic on grease! Wait - what was I doing?" he looks down at the shirt in his hands, "Oh right"  
He sprays the bathroom with air freshener. He leaves the bathroom and shoves the sweater under the couch.  
"Hey dad," says Chris.  
"What! I wasn't doing anything! I swear! You can't prove I did anything! That's hearsay and conjecture. Your Honor, I object! Oh, Chris, ah, what do you want"  
"You'll never guess what I found! I was walking down the street and noticed that other houses had mailboxes like ours! Look at all the mail I found!" he holds it up with both hands, "but they all have the wrong names on them"  
"Son, other people get mail too. You don't think the Mail Man stops at just our house do you"  
"Well, I guess not ... you want me to put it all back"  
"You have to, it's a federal offense. You can go to federal prison and get sexually assaulted by guys named "Tiny" and "Skull"  
"But I don't want to be sexually assaulted!" says Chris.  
"Then go put the mail back. Wait ... you didn't happen to find any of them free Viagra samples did you"  
"Just two, but I did find a Playboy. It was all wrapped in black plastic and had a Basketball page put over the front for some reason"  
"Just, ah, give me the Viagra and you can keep the Playboy. But don't tell your mother"  
"But dad, you'll go to prison and Tiny will have sex with you"  
"I'll chance it," Peter replies as he walks off with the Viagra. 


	3. Chapter 3 FG

Brian awakens in the early morning and stretches. By surprise he is taken to see another shredded shirt of Meg's, adjacent to him. He picks it up.  
"I don't know what is with me lately. I've never chewed things when house broken. I've turned into some sort of GAP gobbling goliath. Hey," he sniffs it, "this smells like ketchup and mustard."

Stewie jumps up and down and finally catches the doorknob to Peter and Lois' room. He scrambles in. She is asleep. He makes his way atop the bed and climbs onto her. He takes a thin children's book and waps her across each side of her face repeatedly.  
"Wakey! Wakey! I said arise damn you"  
She wakes up groggy and sits up. She wipes her eyes.  
"Stewie, honey, what are you doing? You know today is Saturday and that mommy gets to sleep in late"  
"I don't care if it's Good Friday. Get out of bed and read me a story! And it damn well better sound convincing!" he barks out.  
"Go ask your father, I'm way too tired," she replies.  
He looks at the bathroom door. He can hear the shower running.  
"Yes, well, I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. If I want to scare myself emotionally I'll go to Vietnam. I suppose I will have to take care of this myself," he jumps off the bed and runs out.

Later that day.  
Brian walks in through the front door. He shuts it. He has a brown paper bag.  
"Hey Brian, what's that you have there? A doggie bag?" asks Peter.  
"Peter, let me remind you again that it was funny the first time. The rest if just bugs me"  
"Oh, so did you get me something"  
He opens the bag and pulls out the sweater. Peter sweats a little and moves his finger around his shirt collar.  
"What's a matter? Your conscious trying to assert itself again?" asks Brian.  
"Nooo ... ah ... just a little warm. Either that, or I have ring-around-the-collar"  
"I woke up this morning and found it lying next to me. I thought for a second I had chewed it while asleep. Maybe some sort of sleep walking zombie thing, but then I realized it reeked of hot-dog condiments. And ... you're thinking of Walk Like And Egyptian, aren't you"  
"Sorry. You can smell that"  
"Peter, I'm a dog. All dogs have a keen sense of smell"  
"Damn! I thought I got that all out. I mean ... fudge," Peter says.  
"So, do you have anything to say for yourself?" asks Brian.  
"I am nice and gosh darnit, people like me. And, how did it get all torn up then? Huh Colombo"  
"I brought the sweater down to GPHQ. They told me it was shredded with a wood chipper. Chuck in forensics owed me a favor"  
"Yes, but we don't have a wood chipper thingy," replies Peter.  
"Hummm, I guess your right. Well, thanks for your time," Brian walks out of the room.  
Peter folds his arms and smiles cocky. Brian suddenly appears from around the corner.  
"But there is one more thing"  
"Damnit," exclaims Peter.  
"I did some research and it turns out Gill has one. I tested it out on a pair of Lee Jeans. The shred marks were identical to those on Meg's sweater"  
"One piece of Lee, eh?" says Peter.  
"One piece of Lee"  
Peter gets down on his knees and interlaces his fingers in a mercy plea, "Please don't tell Meg about this! It was an honest mistake! Like Daddio and the XFL. What can I do to make this up to you"  
"You can tell the truth"  
"I mean it, you name it and it's yours"  
"Tell the truth"  
"Why? Why won't you tell me? Can't you see this hurts me more than you?" Peter continues his melodrama.  
"For god's sake Peter, just fess up"  
Peter pulls out his wallet, "I'll give you five bucks"  
"No"  
"Ten"  
"No"  
"All right, fifteen"  
"How about 20?" asks Brian.  
"Oh, come on! How am I supposed to get myself any beer"  
"Just bang your head against the wall several times. You'll pass out and wake up with a headache. That experience closely resembles the effects," Brian then walks out the front door.  
"That takes care of that problem," says Peter.  
Brian pops his head back in, "Oh, there is one more thing ... don't think just because I took the money this once that I can be bought. I just really needed some more martini," he closes the door behind himself.  
Peter sits down and picks up the remote. He un-mutes the television.

"We now return to, "CHiPs" on TBS," says the TV station announcer.

"Hey buddy, how's the thumb?" asks Baker.  
Ponch lies in a hospital bed with a cast on his arm.  
"It's getting better. It'll be out of commission for a while, much like myself"  
They both smile. John gives Ponch a thumbs up. Ponch tries to raise his broken thumb and grimaces in pain. Grossman enters the room and they all laugh.

The end Credits roll.

"Music by Alan Silvestri? Gee, he must be like 90 by now"  
Peter's attention is drawn to the window. The Mailman has just pulled up to their box.  
"Oh, mails here"  
Chris runs downstairs like lightening, "Did you say mail"  
"Yeah, he just pulled up"  
"Well, I'll go get it! It needs me"  
"Just wait for the nice mail carrier to finish. I tried that once; it's against the rules to hand it to anyone. Once it's in the mail box it's out of his hands. Much like a blue bird in spring"  
"But dad, it's the last day, tomorrow is Sunday! I must!" he sees the mail truck pull away. He runs outside. Peter follows.  
"No! Don't go! I can change!" calls out Chris.  
"Son, it's okay"  
"I love you!" Chris shouts to the vehicle.  
"Don't take it too hard. Love hurts sometimes. Like a cruel dominatrix of pain. Remember, it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. I heard that in Men In Black."

They hug and Chris has tears in his eyes. They both turn around and Ron Jones' swelling, emotionally moving cue ends as Peter and Chris watch the Postal truck stop at the next house's mail box. The mailman lowers the box door, puts in the mail and shuts it. The Carrier then slowly pulls to the next and Ron Jones' music strikes up again. IT abruptly stops as the Carrier stops at the next mail box. They watch that a few more times.  
"Hey guys," says Lois as she walks out the front door to join them.  
Stewie stealthily sneaks out and runs to the side of the house. He looks up the water drainage pipe.  
"Crawled up the water spout. He may have eight legs, but I have aposeble thumbs and sheer will!" he shimmies up the pipe with a small backpack on.

"Chris, were you crying?" asks Lois.  
"No, a bird crapped in his eye. But I cleaned it all out and he's better now," Peter answers Lois.  
They start walking back to the house. Stewie takes the backpack off and pulls out a flamethrower. He lays the miniature tank on the roof top aside him and enables the gun's power. It hums with power. Some lights on a horizontal fluid display indicator mark in the red zone.  
They are almost at the door entrance which he is hovering over.  
"Oh yes, Jack be nimble and Jack maybe quick, but he's still going to get burnt by the candle stick! Ah ha!" he squeezes the trigger. The Flamethrower shoots out a quick, short burst of and stops. The flame dissipates. He presses the trigger again. Nothing but air.  
"What the ... what the hell is wrong with this confounded contraption," he reads a sticker on the gun, " made in America! Blast"  
He throws the gun. The hose leading from it and connecting to the fluid tank catches his legs and sends him tumbling after.  
Lois looks up upon hearing the noise and catches him.  
"Oh my god, Stewie! What were you doing up there? You could have gotten yourself killed"  
"Release me you foppish prig! I said unclutch me you flaccid minded behemoth"  
"Thank goodness Peter, he doesn't look injured. Will you be all right sweetie"  
"When you are good and dead"  
He struggles to get free and looks over Lois' shoulder at the Flamethrower lying in the yard. His arms flail about in a fruitless attempt to reach it and the door shuts behind them all once they are in the house. 


	4. Chapter 4 FG

Chapter 4  
  
Later that day.  
  
Stewey sneaks into the Living Room when everyone is not in there. He looks and finds the book of Children's Tales with, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider".  
  
"There you are," he carries over his teddy bear, Rupert, "I say, Rupert, be a good fellow and dispatch this wretched hardback henceforth where it came for me!"  
  
He looks at his teddy bear which he has placed on the floor. It doesn't move.  
  
"I know - I can't do it either old friend. As much as I despise this stumbling story telling trinket, it has enriched my mental capacity and furthered my knowledge in ways to annihilate the face-painting she-devil. I'll keep you alive, but be wary for tomorrow I may kill you," he points at the book.  
  
Brian walks in, holding a martini.  
  
"Will you give it a rest? You can't even spell kill."  
  
"I can too you pragmatic lush!"  
  
Peter walks in and sits down on the couch. He picks up the remote. Chris enters the room.  
  
"Hey dad."  
  
"Hey Chris, it's good to see you smiling so soon. I told you that whole love thing is just a bunch of rubbish. So, what made you change your mind?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. I just thought it would be better off without me."  
  
"Oh yeah, kind of like that song from Knight Rider, White Bird Must Fly, or she will die."  
  
-Cut to a cartoon version of "Knight Rider".  
  
"Michael, how are we going to find out whose been sabotaging the Indy 500?"  
  
"There's only one way pal. We'll have to race against them," replies Michael.  
  
"Another fucking race? That's your solution?"  
  
"K. I. T. T., where'd you pick up such foul language?"  
  
"Part of the new programming Bonnie installed."  
  
"What happened to April?"  
  
"Do you care?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Michael, Deven's on the phone."  
  
Michael replies, "Shit." -  
  
"Um, okay. I'm going to go upstairs now," says Chris.  
  
"Well, have fun son."  
  
"All right," Chris stops mid way up the stairs and pulls out a small package from his pants. It is marked UPS, "Ooohhh ... my precious..."  
  
Loise enters the room. she bends over the cough and picks up Stewey. He drops the book.  
  
"Agh! I say, unhand me you inferior nit!"  
  
Megan, walks downstairs and enters the living room.  
  
"That's it. I have looked everywhere. Has anyone seen my blue windbreaker and my sweater?"  
  
"Sorry honey," says Loise.  
  
"No..." says Peter.  
  
"Yes. Peter accidentally soiled them, so he shredded then and paid me off to keep quiet."  
  
"Damnit! Bad dog! What the hell's a matter with you anyway? I gave you 20 dollars."  
  
"20 dollars? That's all I was worth?" cries out Meg.  
  
"Meg, sweetie, daddy loves you this much," he spreads his arms out," but it doesn't encompass anything over 25 bucks. It's like a local call."  
  
"Oh and I was really drunk last night and may have peed somewhere," says Brian.  
  
"I don't see anything," says Peter.  
  
"That may not be lemonade you're drinking..." everyone stares at him.  
  
Peter runs to the bathroom.  
  
"I have got to cut back on these," Brian says and then takes another sip of his martini.  
  
---THE END--- 


End file.
